9 Calls
by Tsormick
Summary: The story behind each of the nine times that Karofsky called Kurt leading up to his suicide attempt. Trigger warning: suicide.


Trigger warning: suicide

AN: Something possessed me to write this. Easily one of the most difficult things I've ever written.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

9 Calls

Dave thought about calling Kurt plenty of times. He's got Kurt's number in his phone from back when he was a bully whip with Santana, but he's never used it.

He's got this image in his head of Kurt breaking up with his midget pretty-boy boyfriend. He can't shake the thought of Kurt just dumping this guy on his ass, no matter how much Kurt loves him, because Kurt is strong and would know that he deserves better. Better than some guy who gets drunk and dances with a tall rich bitch who takes whatever he can get.

He wants to tell Kurt that.

He wants to make sure that Kurt will be OK. That he knows he made the right decision by letting his boyfriend go, and that he'll be right back to being his fabulous, independent self in no time.

Dave lies in his bed and stares at Kurt's contact in his phone.

Kurt probably doesn't even have his number. He probably deleted it the first chance he had.

Dave doesn't blame him for that.

Kurt wouldn't keep his number, wouldn't want him calling to offer his sympathies about Kurt's break up when Dave has never even had a friendly interaction with the guy. Was never even formally introduced to him.

He plays out a conversation in his head. One where he calls Kurt, and Kurt can't seem to wrap his head around why it's Dave who's calling to offer his condolences to Kurt's break up. Dave, who isn't even friends with Kurt, hasn't talked to him since they were crowned together at prom. Dave, who Kurt pushed to come out at prom but he just couldn't do it. Dave, who stalked out of the gym with tears glistening in his eyes while Kurt was making the best of the shitty situation and dancing with his brave, out boyfriend.

Kurt always made the best of the worst fucking situations.

That's when Dave decides not to call. When he realizes that he would be calling for himself, and not for Kurt. When he realizes that he's got these selfish motivations for wanting to call and hear Kurt's beautiful voice in his ear.

He just wants Kurt to know that he's special and that he deserves better.

But Kurt already knows that. He doesn't need Dave to tell him.

So Dave hatches a plan to tell Kurt in private. The conception of the whole grand gesture takes a while, and he tries so hard to be patient, but he's never been more proud of something in his entire life.

Dave doesn't even need help from the rich bitch at the bar.

He feels like he's finally getting something right. Because even though Dave might not know little things about Kurt, he's got a pretty good handle on the big things. He's got Kurt's main personality traits down- good and bad. Kurt's this spotlight hog who craves attention and deserves every bit that he gets and then some, plus he's kinda girly, so Dave decides that he needs to do the most romantic thing that his sorry excuse for a brain can think of.

He waits a few months and buys the sappiest cards he can find. He doesn't dare write anything personal in them, because it's not about him. It's about Kurt feeling special for an entire week in February because that's what he deserves.

He rents a ridiculous gorilla costume because it seems like a good idea at the time, and skips lunch so he can hand Kurt some cheesy valentine that makes Kurt squeal and reach his hand out so close to Dave that their fingers almost touch. For a fraction of a second, Dave swears he feels the heat from Kurt's hand, ghosting across his.

It's that reaction that begins to crack Dave's resolve to stay secret. He begins to think about what he'd really like to tell Kurt, and it's personal. He can't do it while staying hidden, and once again, it comes back to what he wants for himself.

Maybe it's OK that it's not entirely about Kurt. Maybe it's just something that he needs to get out.

He's tried being romantic. It's stupid and it's cheesy but it makes Kurt beam at him so it's totally, completely fucking worth it.

He'd skip lunch every day if he had to.

He sits at his desk and he thinks.

He thinks about this overwhelming amount of pride and respect he has for this boy who takes so much shit from everyone, and never ever breaks.

He thinks about sarcasm and a quick wit and clear blue eyes.

He thinks about a choked out apology outside a French classroom, and how Kurt accepted it so graciously.

Dave writes down a time and a place for his big reveal. Then he writes one last valentine.

_I think I love you._

1.

The first time Dave calls him, it's after he gets home from Breadsticks, and it's an accident.

It's not about Kurt rejecting him.

Kurt was the one who came to the conclusion that Dave wanted them to be together. Dave didn't deny it, because it was true, but he never said the words.

Kurt did let him hold his hand for a few seconds, so at least that part was worth it.

Dave tells him, "I haven't come out at school yet, but maybe I will next year," and what he's really saying is, "Maybe I can be brave too."

When it comes down to it, Dave isn't that upset by the rejection. He's expecting it. But he said what he had wanted to say, he'd gotten it off his chest, and he feels a little bit lighter.

No, the part that upsets him is how he managed to convince himself that Kurt was single. That Kurt would dump a guy just because he felt neglected for one night. That Kurt wouldn't fight with everything he had to stay with a guy if he truly loved him.

Something else that burns along with that is this knowledge that Dave doesn't really deserve to know any of it. He's nothing to Kurt. He's definitely not a friend and hopefully nothing more than a series of unpleasant memories. He's a guy who hadn't talked to Kurt in months. A guy who goes to a completely different school.

A guy who Kurt still tried to cover for in front of some guys from the Thurston football team.

When Dave says, "I'll talk to you later" before he inevitably runs out the door, he means it.

He wants to say thank you. For listening and for lying to guys twice his size when the truth was so blindingly obvious.

He makes it home in a haze of tears and nausea, and stumbles up to his room before either of his parents can ask him where he's been.

He wants to talk to Kurt, he really does, but he still initiates the phone call without processing it.

So when he hears the phone ringing in his ear, all he can do is take a deep breath and think about saying "thank you" and maybe "sorry," just in case he ruined Kurt's night.

He wants to have a speech planned out so he doesn't sound like an idiot, but he's got nothing. He can't bring himself to hang up until the voice mail kicks in, and then he ends the call without a second thought.

It would be a rambling, poorly constructed message and Kurt doesn't need to hear it.

Dave's not even surprised that Kurt didn't answer.

He berates himself for even subconsciously thinking that Kurt might answer.

2.

The day after Valentine's Day is a Wednesday.

Dave sees Nick twice, and both times he has to ward off his fight-or-flight instincts, because nothing would make him look more suspicious than if he avoided Nick or attacked him for no reason.

There is a very familiar fear coating the bile that's stuck in his throat. It takes him back to kissing Kurt in the locker room at McKinley and walking the halls half-convinced that within 24 hours everyone will know. Kurt had every single reason to tell. But the thing that Kurt held onto, that made him keep it secret, was that he connected to some miniscule fraction of what Dave was going through.

Nick doesn't have that connection. What Nick does have is a brother who was cut from football tryouts because Dave transferred in. Nick also sweats blood for his C in AP physics while Dave sits next to him and effortlessly pulls an A on every test.

So Nick has a couple reasons not to like Dave.

Dave tries not to focus too much on the way that Nick's chair seems scooted farther away from him than normal.

Nick was never terribly polite to Dave to begin with, but on most days they managed to be civil. It was something about the football team here that Dave really respected. You didn't have to like each other, but you had to tolerate each other or the team just wouldn't work. All the guys understood that.

Nick spends the hour and a half in class leaning away from Dave and alternates between glaring at his notes and Dave.

He's waiting for Dave to speak first, to try to brush off what happened the night before.

But Dave knows what last night looked like. It looked like him giving a box of candy to someone who shot him down. It looked like Dave leaving the restaurant alone after holding a flamboyant boy's hand. It looked like Dave got caught with wet eyes and tried to cover it up with a poor attempt at bravado.

Right before the extremely gay looking guy called out to Dave as he stalked out of the restaurant, clearly upset.

And Dave had said that he would talk to Kurt later.

Dave had given away all of his secrets in one big fuck-up of a night.

There's absolutely no chance that Nick could have missed that. Just like there's no chance that Dave could miss the "faggot" that Nick mutters in his ear on his way out of the classroom.

Dave eats lunch with a couple guys from his math class and this girl from his history class.

They don't know him very well, but they've been letting him eat with them on occasion because he's the new guy and they're being nice. It's not like Dave could've eaten with the football team today.

His friends— acquaintances— start in on something about gay rights, and Dave can't for the life of him figure out if they're saying that they support it or not, and even worse than that, Dave has been nursing this deep set paranoia that everyone is finding out about him. This isn't helping.

The little bit of sandwich that he's eaten sits like brick in his stomach. He refuses the rest of his lunch. The last thing he wants is to get caught barfing at school.

He can't even skip the rest of the day because he's got AP statistics next, and the guys would notice if he was with them at lunch and then suddenly not in class.

Dave's such a fucking pussy that sitting through another class feels like a huge accomplishment.

Dave doesn't even hesitate to call Kurt once he gets home.

He just wants some advice. The only things he got all day was one "faggot" and some questionable looks, and already Dave is losing his mind.

This is the second time that he's walked down the halls of his high school and wondered who was discussing his personal life behind his back.

Kurt will help him get through it. And even if whatever Kurt says isn't actually that helpful, Dave craves the opportunity to hear that soft, high voice in his ear.

Dave convinces himself that of course Kurt wouldn't answer him on Valentine's day, not when Kurt could be spending time with the boy he actually loved.

And when once again, Kurt doesn't answer, Dave thinks that Kurt's probably in Glee.

He can't very well leave the choir room in the middle of a song to go answer his phone.

It wasn't that important anyway. Kurt's a good person, so he'll call back. And if he doesn't, Dave doesn't think it looks _too_ desperate to call someone a third time before they've even called you once.

But Dave can make it through the rest of the night on his own.


End file.
